No matter what you think, you are never prepared. Sometimes the world just comes to a stop. That's the only way to describe it. Parents expect to raise their children, watch them grow, and leave them behind. It just doesn't always happen that way.
We lost our daughter .. Jennifer. Oh, some would say that we lost her years before to the alcoholism, but the emotional reality is that no matter how bad her circumstances were, how the choices she made were painful for the family... she was still my baby. Yes, I turned her away after so many years of seemingly never-ending heartache and problems. But even then I harbored that small hope that she'd reach that corner and make the turn back to a life shared with family and friends. Now that hope is an empty ache.
We knew that she was dying... a slow death by alcohol and diabetes and depression that couldn't be alleviated. She wavered from excitement to suicidal within the span of a single day... always searching to a solution to her needs. At thirty-five years of age, Jennifer died in an accident that had nothing to do with her alcoholism or her health. How ironic, and how horribly hurtful to have lost her at all.
The two police officers rang our doorbell after 1:00 a.m. on Saturday night, asking to speak with Jennifer's parents. It wasn't the first time such a thing had happened, after all, Jennifer had by this time become well acquainted with the law and inside of both a courtroom and a jail cell. This too, we thought was one more request to pick her up, bail her out, etc. Asking me to sit down didn't really register as anything unusual... no one expects death to knock on your door.
It was elegantly simple - that first straight-forward statement. "Mrs. Ernst, Jennifer was killed tonight in an auto accident. She was hit by two vehicles while waiting to cross a street. We're so sorry to have to tell you this." And the world just comes to a stop.
She deserved more.. she deserved a better life. I've had the lectures about the choices she made, the reasons for what she did and what she became. I carried the anger at the damage done to herself and to her father and I. All the real questions are inside - seldom voiced because there are really no answers. Doing the "right thing" for her doesn't alleviate the ache of turning away from her, doesn't soothe the pain. And now she's gone and there's no hope left. But the pain is selfish -- even while living it, I know that it's selfish. Jennifer is no longer searching, no longer hurting, and can't be tortured by her own demons anymore.
She's at peace.. I have to believe that.. And soon I will. The world has begun to start spinning again.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sometimes the World Just Comes to a Stop
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2 comments:
I dedicated my life both as a practicing alcoholic and drug addict and as a therapist to kids that have encountered this journey. I was raised in a very chaotic alcoholic family with both parents actively drinking until their deaths.
My own drinking career started at the age of 9. I was in and out of mental institutions and treatment centers until the age of 23.
What took me so long to get sober and clean? Too many people in my way? Perhaps the worst and most devastating experience more than the disease was the abandonment. Of course I burnt bridges, tons of them, family, friends and many loved ones. They finally gave up on me. Only then was I totally and completely isolated from any connection with life worth living.
Six failed suicides, a couple of miraculous medical interventions that brought back life to my body, some permanent damages from seizure disorders, and car accidents during the practice of my disease.
I don't really know why I am still here. I tend to want to believe that it was for the next 20 years I was sober and giving back to teens with the disease that serves some kind of purpose for my existence. They tell me in AA that I am a miracle. Ah but we all know that the disease doesn't stop when the substance leaves our bodies. That just means the healing begins..and sometimes I can not fathom how anyone would wish to look that deeply inside their soul for healing. I spent my first five years of sobriety in therapy and when they shoved those 12 steps in my face, that alone was not a picnic to begin to explore me on a very intimate level.
The only way I know now that I have survived and kept sober and clean for almost 28 years today, is that I could not do it by myself and left to my own devices, I was capable of doing one thing in life which was self destruction.
I feel your pain today Joe and Kathy, I have lost my loved ones from this disease, my parents, and many others. Including me on numerous occasions.
I needed to read this today, because I know like it was just yesterday that 28 years ago is really not that long ago when your dealing with alcoholism. It is the "Ism" that gets me in a second without a moments warning. I don't ever get cured from this disease. I can do the right things one day at a time, sometimes a second at a time. I still hold every symptom there is to make me insane without the drink. Right here, right now, every breathing moment in my life it is there. It never leaves me how well I flash back into total self destructive mode. Not for a second. That is why I have to stay in check with me and what I feel and why I feel it and what and where to go to deal with it before I hurt myself again.
Sometimes I pay attention, other times, I chose not too; and when I choose to take time out to run the show a bit more than I am suppose to be, I get the same results different day. Trying over and over to think that if I do this again and again the results will change. Never has, not in all these 28 years of sobriety. I do stupid stuff I self destruct emotionally, which gets me a little bit closer to the drink.
Not an easy way to live for the rest of your life. Yet it is what I have to do. I got sober, got educated, reached out and spent 20 years working with teens just like I was. Thinking somehow someway that just a moment in time someone will latch on and get better and move a little farther away from the practice of self destruction. I choose not to discuss those statistics.
Today, I have one beautiful son, and no other children. My son walks the path your daughter walked. I can not imagine the time he has been out there practicing this disease. He has exceeded me. He is 30 years old. I know the feelings all too well. The letting go and getting out of his way and trying somehow not to feel that everything is about me and because of me my son is a alcoholic. Perhaps true, in more ways than one, however, if I choose to live that guilt, I choose to kill myself inside and self destruct which is what I know best.
You both have my deepest deepest sympathy. I have spoke with you on the phone and I have been blessed and touched by your presence. I feel your pain, but I do not walk your journey of losing a child. Just know that I think of both of you everyday that I wake up another day sober.
Step one tells me I am powerless..over alcohol, people, places and things...all that I have is my higher power and the people who are in my program who know...yes indeed they know..and by the grace of God they have saved me a number of times.
Alana
hi this is ryan ...just been introduced to blogging..i have been writing a fictional crime novel..well its mostly a autobiography of myself....and i would certainly appreciate if ..i could get some inputs and a critical view on the few paras i have written...i know for a fact i am a rookie in the writing business but i felt the urge to tell the world my story...looking forward to your views
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